maria's silly little photoblog

California

2006-08-09T23:13:00.000-06:00

When I think about my recent trip to California, the first word that comes to mind is quiet. Which is actually pretty funny because I was staying in a beach house with 22 other family members. Not even close to quiet! But for some reason, I was. The landscape was beautiful. I stayed where Christo installed his “Running Fence” and Alfred Hitchcock filmed “The Birds.” It’s a very surreal place; rolling farm lands untouched by suburbia lead you to the ocean. It’s a place where you can find the BEST strawberries, grapes, and cherries and its easier to buy organic dairy than store bought. The farm roads just beg for you to ride, run, or drive on them…as a friend said, the roads are “in love with the ocean.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. I loved this place. I hope it stays exactly as it is: perfect.

The city, on the other hand, is loud, crowded, and absolutely wonderful. The experience that sticks out most in my mind is visiting the Exploratorium. I went there once when I was…8? I think. Maybe 10. And it was heaven for my nerdy little self. So much to learn! This time, however, I decided to pay a little extra to experience the “Tactile Dome.” Without ruining it for future visitors, lets just say, as a serious claustrophobic and a girl afraid of the dark, this place was a torture chamber. I went with my brothers and boyfriend who all thought it was AWESOME. I exited shaking and having a hard time catching my breath. But I MADE it! Before you enter the dome, the “dome guy” says that if you panic, there are a few emergency exits he can open for you. When I got to the only point in the dome where there is a faint light (hope!), there were two other people who told me I was half way through. Half-way?! I was in a state of panic. They said there was an emergency exit right there if I needed to go. I couldn’t breathe and I wanted to cry. No, I said. I’m prepared to conquer this fear. Its just going to be scary. I went back into the dark and before I knew it I had conquered the Tactile Dome! I could see and breathe again. I felt invincible.

I have so much more to write but I have a movie (Shop Girl), a bowl of fruit and some vanilla ice cream calling my name. :)

in sync

2006-08-02T21:37:00.000-06:00

I love feeling in sync with life. Where little coincidences happen every day to make you smile and help you feel connected to the universe. I have been so in sync lately, its scary. Let me give you a few examples:
I am being haunted by a song (Danny California by the Red Hot Chile Peppers). Every time I turn on the car, switch radio stations, walk into a store, anything! Its on. I'd say in the last two weeks I've heard this song 30-40 times, seriously. I don't even LIKE it! Its driving me crazy because I have no idea what the significance of this would be besides the universe playing a practical joke on me for giggles. Well I sure hope its working Universe! :) I recently had a dream I formed a topless dodgeball team and that was our theme song and team name. The Danny California topless team!
The universe is also sending me love in the form of hearts. I am finding hearts everywhere. Not just clouds or rocks shaped like hearts (many) but also glass hearts in Occidental (a gift from an old man), ceramic red ones in parking lots, they're everywhere! I like to think its my birth mother sending her love from heaven. Hey, its possible. I usually take the hearts and place them somewhere new (what's love if it isn't shared?) but I have held on to the glass and the ceramic one.
I asked a dictionary at Staples what I should do about my financial situation next semester (specifically, should I get a loan?) and I then closed my eyes and pointed to usury: the lending of money at exorbitant interest rates. Then I looked at the word underneath my finger: Utah. The very university I'm attending! Chills. I bought the dictionary.
I just took a silly online quiz (i'm a sucker for quizzes) and it basically formed a soundtrack of your life from your ipod songs on shuffle (does that make sense?) I won't elaborate on the whole quiz but here are a few that just dropped my jaw:
Waking Up: "Have you passed through this night?" Explosions in the Sky
Falling in Love: "Undeniable" Mat Kearney
Secret Love: "Digging a ditch" DMB
Mental Breakdown: "A hard rain's gonna fall" Lucinda Williams
Driving: "Trucks Gliding" Above the Orange Trees
Final Battle: "Enemy Fire" Ryan Adams
Death Scene: "You woke the morning" Mat Kearney

You can see quiz yourself here. (random link, I have no affilitation at all with that forum.)
I must get back to my studies...I have many beautiful images to post of my trip to California (the above is my brother Greg at Dillon Beach). More about that later. :)

Glacier!

2006-07-02T01:52:00.000-06:00

on the way to Grinnell, originally uploaded by mariayd.

My vacation photos are up at my flickr site, click on the picture to check them out. This was the initial run through, I'm sure more will be added soon (I still have 2 gigs worth of photos to sort through!)

Vacation stats:

2006-06-30T17:18:00.000-06:00

Vacation Stats:

Drove 2500 miles (pulled over once)
Stayed in 3 hotels
Camped in 2 National Parks (Glacier, Yellowstone)
Hiked 25 miles
Got 6 blisters and 7 mosquito bites
Rode in 2 boats (rowed 1)
Jumped into 1 freezing lake
Drove through 1 hailstorm
Explored 1 vortex
Captured 1 and 1/2 orbs
Befriended 1 French Canadian
Saw 3 goats, at least 4 marmots, and 10 bears (plus or minus 7, depending on how you count)
Indulged in 2 bowls of ice cream, one bag of gummy bears, 4 Clif Bars, and 3 Veggie Burgers
Shared 1 bottle of wine
Took around 700 photos
Watched 4 sunsets
Saw a million stars (7 shooting)

I will post a link once I've uploaded the photographs, I have some unbeLIEVEable shots! I've been having some technical difficulty processing (ie laptop is dead) but they'll be worth the wait, I promise. The photos above are of our campsite in Glacier National Park. I have been a lot of places in this world but nowhere is a beautiful as Glacier, to me. The mountains are breathtaking, you can take your eyes off them. I can't wait to share the rest of my photos!

Next month: No. Cal (which will complete my year of trips every single month!)

Happy Solstice!

2006-06-23T10:34:00.000-06:00

Happy Solstice to all my internet friends. :)
Go watch this video and then do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.
Its summertime and I'm on the road!

Home

2006-06-13T12:27:00.000-06:00

Some reasons why I love Utah:
*a three hour drive will put me in Idaho, Wyoming, Nevada, or the red rocks of the desert (there's always something to discover, and you can do it in a weekend!)
*I can go for a walk at night and feel safe doing it
*A couple nights ago, the neighbors across the street got a new car, and the whole neighborhood came over to check it out and congratulate them. It was like a scene from the Wonder Years. Except the neighbors are gay. :)
*I am surrounded by mountains. Amazing mountains! A short jaunt up the hills and you can see for 100 miles. (and there is hidden art everywhere. A couple peaks behind my place have a mailbox at the top with journals to write in.)
*The sunsets are incredible.
*I have many childhood memories here. My favorite park, for example, is where I used to go sledding when I was a little girl.
*My family is here.
*We have these Cottonwood trees shed this cotton-like seed (?) that floats in the air this time of year. To me, its magical, especially at dusk.
*Its not humid.

For Archie:

2006-05-31T17:17:00.000-06:00

Archie-
I wish I didnt have to do this on the internet, I'd do it any other way if I knew your email or phone or last name for that matter. You were my favorite movie rental person ever! Last time I went in (rented: The Ringer) some female employees I had never seen before told me that you "left for Jersey." My heart just sank! I always looked forward to seeing you when I came to rent movies. You never had to ask me for my account number and you never charged me late fees, thank you. I always wanted to ask you if you wanted to be friends, but I always chickened out. I'm sorry. I think we could have been good friends. I feel bad I didn't get to say goodbye.
You're something special Archie. I hope that you're following your dreams out there in Jersey. Good bye...I'll miss you.

Love and hugs,
maria

PS You were right, Match Point WAS surprisingly good.
PPS You have really nice teeth.

what defines you?

2006-05-24T12:43:00.000-06:00

I recently saw Batman Begins for the second time and remembered a quote that I should have written down the first time:
"But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you."
It hit me hard this time, and I wrote it in marker over a finger painted self portrait.
What do I do? I initially came down hard on myself, telling myself I don't do anything worthwhile, that I've become a boring person who lives barely on the surface. But I immediately changed my attitude because one thing I'm learning how to do better this year is be nice to myself.
For me, the difference between a fulfilled life and an unfulfilled one is little things. A good book to read, secret notes left at the park, yoga, a long talk, a thoughtful email, watching the sun set from the hills. Now, I'm no batman, but I definitely do things that are worthwhile. I am taking a better note now of how I spend my time and whether or not I want what I'm doing to define me (i.e. hours of pointless internet browsing, complaining about work, swearing under my breath at other drivers on the road). I imagine a bunch of scientists in a room watching my life on a video screen and finding a definition of me just by observing my actions. This thought almost scares me into being my true self at all times, just so the imaginary scientists get it right.
My birth father and I have been in contact since we met last month. He is a writer like me (we just can't help it) and so he sends me long emails about his life and his family but also about my birth mother and their love affair. He told me one of my birth mother's greatest thrills in life was making people feel important. He said she could make anyone's day. I am learning a lot from her, even though she's gone. I am trying now to be more friendly to strangers (I am usually more reserved to protect myself because I have had a lot of creepies in my life) and to compliment and smile often.

Other little things I've done recently:
bought beautiful mums at the grocery store
planted some sunflowers (the GIGANTIC kind) in random locations
bought my mom some new shoes (for mothers day. she never got new shoes when she was little)
climbed trees at the park and hid notes in the branches
watched the clouds
saved a duck from being picked on
made time for the gym/yoga
wrote thank you emails to companies I appreciate
developed film that had been sitting on my shelf for nearly a year
tried new foods (minneolas and prickly pear lemonade, both amazing)
bought a small candle to make my apartment smell like orange blossoms
hugged my dad

I think this is what defines us. The little things. Its not the boring office job or how many hours we spend on the computer or in front of the television, or even our IQ or how much money we spent on our jeans.
The little things are fun! They're easy! And they're important, for me at least, to feel like I'm leading a fulfilling life.

What defines a person to you? What fulfills you?

Mothers Day balloon launch

2006-05-15T09:34:00.000-06:00

An ongoing list:

2006-05-10T21:13:00.001-06:00

Takk...

2006-05-07T01:18:00.000-06:00

This concert was by far the most beautiful gift I've given myself in a very long time. There are few bands/musicians that can bring tears to my eyes. Sigur Ros is one of them. Oh thank you Sigur Ros for filling me up again! I will forever be a fan.

She waited.

2006-04-30T08:58:00.000-06:00

Incredible!

2006-04-21T20:07:00.000-06:00

When you have the time, go check out this site:

www.wildthingsphotography.com

My boss (the commercial photographer one) knew and was friends with this guy when he lived in Alaska. I'm usually not too moved by nature photography but these are really great. The whales are my favorite.

Note to self:
must go to alaska

The installation in the mountains

2006-04-21T10:59:00.000-06:00

If the video does not display properly
click here to upgrade to Flash 8
This is the first of a series of swings. :)

keeping it secret

2006-04-18T23:40:00.000-06:00

In the last month my life has completely changed and I havent written anywhere about it. Not even in my own journal which usually obsessively documents my life (not as obsessively as Buckminster Fuller, that man was nuts!). I don't know what it is that makes me want to keep this a secret, keep it so personal. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that no one really understands. I kind of feel like my story is this wonderful rumor people want to hear and pass along, something great to bring up at an awkward dinner party or when making small talk at a business meeting. But I don't want to be a juicy story. I've been acting as normal as possible but my mind is only on one thing: my 9 other half-siblings (yes. that means I have NINETEEN siblings.) and my two birth parents, my incredibly nice birth father (and how guilty I feel just typing "father" because to me I'll always only have one dad. I love my dad.) and my deceased birth mom, who I've been learning a LOT about.

I've been planning a balloon release for a few years now where I'll get TONS of balloons and put thoughts and inspirational notes, origami, money, and other great things inside the balloons and then climb up one of the hills behind my apartment and release them into the sky. The launch hasnt happened yet because I'm trying to figure out an environmentally friendly way to do this, because I wouldnt want any birds to get caught in the string or try to eat the rubber and choke and die (the only alternative I've thought of is to use some sort of edible string, perhaps licorice rope? but the balloon rubber, thats still up in the air, any suggestions?) Anyway, this Thursday I will be installing my final 3-D project and "secret" installation in the mountains (its not really a secret but I like secrets so I'm pretending its one) and I think I'll bring a couple balloons to launch off for Theresa (my birth mom).
Turns out she had the same sort of idea a few years back. They had a helium tank at her work and she was so excited about this she would use any excuse possible to fill up balloons. When it came time to clean up, she'd just release them into the sky! She did it so often, in fact, that the FAA called and asked her to please stop because her balloons were obstructing the flight path of the airplanes trying to land! I love that story. Its been so bizarre to see how much of me was actually inherited without me knowing it or having any control over it at all.
I wonder what the record is for distance travelled by a single balloon.
Could mine possibly get to heaven?

Happy Easter!

2006-04-16T14:47:00.000-06:00

You are looking at a photo of a girl:

-who unbeknownest to her, her life was about to permanently change. she found out her birth father was in town and spontaneously met him for breakfast. she had never met him before. she is brave.
(i could write a book about this)
-who had just found the location for her exciting installation in the mountains.
-who is wearing a tank top! its spring again in Salt Lake!
-who's hair has gotten to that awkward phase.
-who is going to see SIGUR ROS live (!)
-who is going to ride a bike along the boardwalk and make a sand castle near the ocean very soon.
:)

things I am excited about:

2006-04-10T12:23:00.000-06:00

The shedding of winter weight (and the wearing of sexy jeans again)
Warm sun, flowers, baby animals and the color green (SPRING!)
Meeting my biological family
Secret plans for an art "installation" in the mountains
Hair getting longer
Finger painting with (cheap) acrylics
Brokeback Mountain at the dollar theater
New perfume (sample)
New gray shoes
The upcoming Mogwai concert
Friday paycheck (that means groceries and a new kite)
Dr Bronners magic soap in almond

an open letter to the pacific ocean:

2006-04-03T23:51:00.001-06:00

to my friend the pacific,
It has been four months since I've seen you.
I went to the Great Salt Lake a few weeks ago in hopes that I could find that feeling I get when I'm with you. But there were no waves, no sand. Seagulls, yes. There were definitely seagulls. But no surfers or warm sun. No beach cruisers or rollerbladers.
I miss you.
I feel like now more than ever I need you. I've had such a rough time these past few weeks. People I love stretching me thin. I need to be able to feel the sun on my back and your cold water against my skin. I need to see my footprints in the sand. I need to fall asleep on my towel, my hair tangled with salt water.
There's just something about you that brings me back to center. Perhaps its the comfort of your tides. That even something as beautiful as the ocean has its high times and its low times. And its okay. Or maybe its your mystery, the thought that there is so much undiscovered in your deep ocean. Maybe there are parts of me that are also undiscovered. Beautiful but buried. Or it could be your rhythm. That perfect rhythm. Like when you're sleeping with your love and you find you're breathing the same breath. You wonder if your hearts are beating the same beats.
Perhaps you are my true love. My soulmate. My destiny. Sometimes, in the quiet of the night, right before I dream, I can feel my whole soul pulling in your direction.
I'm coming.
Will you wait for me?

Yours,
maria

self portrait March

2006-03-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

Picture taken by me, background painted by Gerhard Richter, and butterfly found in an advertisement.

Sometimes good things happen to sad people

2006-03-07T10:14:00.000-07:00

Great things that have happened since that last post:

I went to the Great Salt Lake for a fairly successful photoshoot and serendipitously met a fellow photographer who hired me as his assistant (!!)
I had some great wine to celebrate
That mysterious rash I was going to ask the doctor about has mysteriously disappeared
I am no longer behind in my drawing class
I took myself to see Pride and Prejudice at the dollar movie and cried my eyes out (I needed that)
I got flowers delivered to my door (from my mom)
I'm leaving for Georgia Thursday (where I get to see my little sister) and then I get a week off for Spring Break (hallelujah!)

Thanks for the emails and the support. Things are looking up! :)

scared

2006-03-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

I am finding myself more and more bored with this blog, and my life. I feel like I dont have anything interesting to say to anyone. I wonder why this is. My life is interesting. I do interesting things. But I'm missing that deep meaning. The passion and the spirit of my life is on a vacation. The passion and spirit is at the beach and they forgot to invite me!

I have this desperate need for a girlfriend or two. I'm afraid of girls. I don't know how to connect with them or talk to them. I'm afraid of being intimate with a female. There are a couple girls at school I'd like to get to know better but how do you ask a girl out? And THEN what do you say? What are you supposed to talk about?? I just don't know how to get new friends. It shouldn't be that hard. But I've lived here in Utah for 7 years, SEVEN! And the only friend I found was the boy I fell in love with my senior year of high school. I havent been able to find anyone else I connect with. Is it me?
Yes. I dont open up easily to people. I avoid social situations. That's not good. For example, the other day I went to an art talk with Dave Hickey and I saw some girls I went to Spain with. Couldn't remember one of their names. They were sitting down in the front and said I should come say hi to Peter afterwards, Peter, the leader of my art group when I went to Spain, a wonderful artist and a great man. I woosed out! I didn't go talk to him! I know he would have loved to talk to me but I just walked away. What the hell am I so damn afraid of?

I recently got news that my birth mother is dead. I wanted to write a long post about it and how it shook my world but I just didn't want that kind of attention. The sympathetic awkward attention. (though, of all the people 4 people I mentioned it to, no one said anything except for one: "sorry about your dead mother." and that made me feel better. just someone saying SOMETHING) Anyway, I wrote an email to my teacher Paul (hi Paul!) saying I wasnt going to go to school because I was on a road to self discovery or something really dramatic like that. Let me tell you what I discovered: I AM A BIG. HUGE. SCAREDY. CAT. I wanted to call my birth mother's family and tell them how I felt and who I am but I couldn't. I just got so scared.

I've been really really struggling lately, my inner bitch is being rather...bitchy. "you're fat," she says "you're an embarrassment" "you're not an artist!" "you'll never finish school" "you'll never make any money" "you're boring" "no one would want to be your friend" "your hair sucks" "you cant do anything right" "he's not attracted to you"

Now heres where the girlfriend would come in and tell me to stop. Girls understand these sorts of things. They understand that I'm not looking for attention in saying that. I'm just looking for someone who understands. Someone who can tell me that what makes me beautiful has nothing to do with my jean size.

(side note: last time I went to Sugarhouse park I hid some notes in cracks of sidewalks and trees. One of the notes said "what makes you beautiful has nothing to do with your jean size" and another one said "notice how you feel." Both of the notes were found and posted on poles the next time I went to the park. I felt like a little secret celebrity.)

Its 9pm and I'm at work. I am going to leave. Go take some night photos. Experiment a little. Connect with myself and find that spirit and passion again. And twirl. Maybe I'll twirl.

February self portrait

2006-02-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer. ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen carefully. ~Littlefoot's mother, Land Before Time

2006-02-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have incredible headphones. They're the most comfortable things you can put in your ear. They fit snugly into my little ear hole, so right when I put them in, almost all background noise is blocked out. I can listen to my music at a relatively low volume so my poor little ear drums arent completely destroyed. The rest of the world is just a silent background. Its magical. My favorite thing to do is to walk around the park listening to something like the new Sigur Ros or Tori Amos. I'm in my own world, and I twirl.
Yesterday, in drawing class, our teacher set us loose on our drawings. Headphone time. I popped them in and turned on some beautiful instrumental music. I've been really overwhelmed recently with drawing (my progression has come to a complete halt and I'm stuck at this mediocre level). I looked at the damn tennis shoe I was supposed to draw and became immediately frustrated. Three sheets of paper later I had to tell myself to just be still for a moment. Just breathe. Its just a shoe, Maria. I put down my pencil and looked up at my silent classroom: my teacher dramatically explaining how to sight a line. My peers, concentrating fiercely on their drawings, tongues out, brows furrowed, eyes squinted, pencils up. Explosions in the Sky their background music. It was at this moment I felt so intensely grateful that I've chosen to be an artist. This is where I'm supposed to be, I thought. Tears came to my eyes, and I smiled. This is where I'm supposed to be.

i'm shifting gears.

2006-02-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you why I'm very frustrated with this website. I desperately, desperately want to express myself and be out there in the art world but I've got this problem. I've forgotten who I've given this website to. I can't remember if I've got little brothers and sisters, or coworkers, or family members, or ex boyfriends out there reading. So there's a lot of things that go unsaid and a lot of photos that don't get posted on this or my flickr site because they're experimental and beautiful but I'd be very embarrassed if my mother or my bus driver saw them. They wouldn't understand I tell myself, they'd judge you. Because I was raised in this tight ass conservative environment where they judge everything. I feel so constricted. Yesterday I went to an art talk with Scott Duce and his wife Robyn Starbuck. Scott said that if you walk into your own exhibit totally embarrassed then you're probably doing something right (unless the embarrassment is because your art is total shit). And Robyn talked about how we need to not be career focused as artists but instead focused on the "work." The career will happen, just focus on the work. I've heard this, I know this. But its hard when I say "I'm a photography major at the U" and they say "oh, what are you going to do with that?" I stumble around, um, well, I really like taking portraits so perhaps I'll go into portraiture or perhaps I'll do some photo journalism and traveling. What I want to say: FUCK, I dont know! All I know is that this is the only thing I CAN do and the only thing I WANT to do.
So here's where I'm frustrated. I go through this "blog" and my fucking flickr site and all I see is half-assed shit. Stuff that someone else might want to see. Ok I'm lying a little because there are a few photographs I'm quite proud of but what I'm saying here is that I feel like I need to shift gears. And that has got me all tangled up inside. How am I supposed to do that? Does that mean I've got to start posting the stuff that I'm emotionally wrapped up in? The stuff that I'd be horrified if someone actually commented on it? I dont know if I can do that! Have you ever really poured your heart out to someone in a letter and you're just scared to DEATH to get a reply? You'd really rather them not say anything, you'd rather run away or avoid it completely...and then when they do kindly reply you cry just out of sheer relief? Its kind of like that.
All I know is that if I post one more sunset shot I'm going to shoot myself. That's not the kind of artist I want to be. The calendar artist. The fridge magnet artist. I think as a photographer is easy to fall into that safe zone. Its not scary. But its boring as hell. So I'm going to shift gears a bit. I don't really know what that means and I'm *so* scared to step out there...but I've really got nothing to lose besides a couple readers and a business deal with the calendar people. Fuck the calendar people. I'm shifting gears.

not you, just the internet.

2006-02-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

This is me giving the internet my big fat middle finger. Try it! It feels great!

Sunday at the cabin

2006-02-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

really, really

2006-02-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and after yoga (which I've found is the only thing that can get me awake in the morning besides a shower) I told myself it is going to be a wonderful day. I could just feeeeel it. I made a list of things I wanted to achieve, none of which I did achieve, now that I think of it. I ran some errands and decided to stop by my favorite park on the way home. It was there I saw little tiny girls with pigtails and about a hundred dogs. And a winter wedding in the middle of the park, it was beautiful (a bit bizarre, but really touching). I noticed a sign for "local art and valentine's gifts" and found myself in a magical kingdom for artists. Pretty stuff everywhere! I spent 30 dollars on a new art bag and a new pencil bag and a lavendar eye bag (for yoga) and a card for M. Which I go to write right now! Just wanted to say things are looking up...I've been considering posting bits and pieces of my real journal here because it is way more interesting than me sitting here in front of a computer trying to think of what to share with the invisible reader. I am happy. That's all I wanted to say. I am really, really happy.

January self portrait

2006-02-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

my mom

2006-01-29T21:40:00.000-07:00

This is a photo of my mom. Her name is Viona. I took this almost a year ago when we were hiking around the foothills behind my apartment. See, THIS, is why I am growing out my hair. So my hair can do that in the wind. I think this photo is so beautiful. She still hasn't seen it, I should mail it to her shouldn't I?
I'm trying to think of a good story to tell about my mom but this photograph projects an image that I'd rather not ruin with silly or sad stories. I like what I've captured here.
So I no longer have the internet at home (I'm at my dad's house right now) and I've been going just crazy. I've written a ton of blog posts in Word with intentions to post them but by the time I get an internet connection somewhere I'm kind of...over the moment...if you know what I mean. I've been a little down lately, the winter blues are getting to me. I need sun, SOON! I don't have a beach trip scheduled til April but I don't know if I'll be able to last that long. I even got one of those lamps at work, the ones that replicate the sun's light. It actually works! Well, at least I don't feel like stabbing my eyes out with a paper clip any more.
Last weekend I got to go party like a rockstar up at the Sundance Film Festival. I was rubbing shoulders with Tommy Lee and Guns and Roses and who knows who else. Everywhere was open bar and they let me go "gifting" which basically means I can take whatever I want from the wonderful vendors. I got a lot of new clothes and some great Ipod accessories for my car and home. I've been really fortunate lately, for some reason people have just been throwing free stuff at me and for this I am very very grateful. One of my neighbors and classmates gave me a whole photo lighting set up recently because he's had it sitting in his trunk for 4 years and will never use it. The universe loves me! Thank you universe.
Well, my laundry is done and its time to drive home. I hope you like the photo of my mom. I almost feel like its a photo of me. Hopefully I'll get out of this funk soon and I'll have wonderful happy stories to tell. For now I'll end with some quotes:

"I think ice cream is one of the healthiest snacks you can eat."
-my mom

And some quotes I keep above my desk at work:

"Work is love made visible." -Kahlil Gibran

"Steps to achieving your dreams. 1. Start 2. Don't stop." -read in an interview with Counting Crows

"Oh snail,
Climb Mount Fuji
But slowly, slowly!"
-Issa
(found that one in Franny and Zoey)

A quote I keep in my wallet:

2006-01-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Nelson Mandela

(I just got in to my new apartment-hurray!-and am without internet for who KNOWS how long so posts may not be as frequent for a little while...)

Montana again

2006-01-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

Some animals I saw in Montana:

Four seperate bald eagles (and only a 50mm lens!!)
A pack of wolves eating a deer (they might have been coyotes...)
Wildcat tracks bigger than my hand
Buffalo, cows, and horses
A ghost dog
Grazing camels (!?)

I also got a picture of the sign:And realized its a picture of a bull, not a donkey (that makes so much more sense).
More photos to come (I starting shooting in RAW this trip, so there's a lot of post processing to be done!)

and a train

2006-01-07T11:25:00.000-07:00

This is the view I have from my hotel on Whitefish Lake, Montana. Imagine low fog, damp air, and the only sound you can hear is your own footsteps crunching through the snow and a train off in the distance.

Hurray for me I'm 23

2006-01-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

I turn 23 today.
I love having a birthday that is so close to the new year. That way I can kind of mush my new years resolutions and birthday wishes into one.
Some small goals and big dreams I have for 2006, the year I am 23 years old:

grow out my hair
travel anywhere I need to flash my passport
quit my job
be active, active, active
do one self portrait a month
take a modern dance class
do yoga twice a week
read 50 books
sell prints
focus on spirituality
buy some black shoes
begin a "visual" journal
transform my walk-in closet into an art studio
open a savings account...and put money in it
and of course, tone up! get some killer abs! (just kidding, though my theme for this year will be activity related I really want to be able to focus on self-acceptance no matter what my abs...and ass... look like, I think thats important for me.)

And there's many more small, personal goals. Laugh more, love more, be grateful grateful grateful. Conquer some fears. I like the idea of goal setting and dream making, reflecting on the past year, what worked, and what I learned. 2005 was a big year for me. I have a feeling 2006 will be even bigger.
I love new beginnings.

P.S. The photos show a 20 year age difference. :-)

A dance

2006-01-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

A dance to say goodbye to 2005 and a place that I called home and to welcome in a new year and new possibilities.

some christmas snapshots

2005-12-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

To all my wonderful bloggies:

2005-12-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

Believe in the magic!
Merry Christmas to each one of you. Thank you for your comments and for reading my silly little blog.

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

-Clarence "Its a Wonderful Life"

Happy Blogaversary to me!

2005-12-14T19:03:00.000-07:00

Well, a couple of days ago was my first official "blog"aversary. Its been one whole year since I started this blog and I really feel like I've grown. I decided to do another "100 things about me" list in commemoration, plus some photos of my weekend in California. Enjoy! And thanks for reading.

(edit: I feel I should add a disclaimer here. This was a freewriting exercise and a lot of things just came out without me thinking and are only half true, for example, "I can't read non-fiction, it bores me" I have no idea why the hell I wrote that, I love to read. Perhaps I meant political non fiction? Anyway, enjoy, but don't etch these things in stone, ok? Thanks)

1. I don’t like drinking anything blue.

2. I am always hesitant to say my age because I might then be disregarded as young and inexperienced. I’m 22 years old; I’ll be 23 in a few weeks.

3. I wash my hair every other day.

4. I have very sensitive skin.

5. This quote embodies my life from age 10 to age 20 or so: “Happiness lies not in doing what you like, but in learning to like what you have to do.” That quote hung in my mom’s home for years until last weekend when I was babysitting and I ripped it up.

6. I am a great speller, and I really think I'd win if I entered an alphabetizing race.

7. I hate filing.

8. I wish I could breathe underwater.

9. My mother is an interrogator.

10. My father is aloof.

11. My parents got divorced when I was 10. My dad didn’t cry.

12. My dad took me and ray out for slurpees the night we met Dave.

13. I feel bad for my step dad because no one likes him, even me.

14. I’ve lived in the desert my whole life.

15. I am a bleeding heart liberal.

16. If you asked me half the states on the East Coast, I couldn’t name them. (I discovered this by helping my 10 year old sister study for her states and capitals test.)

17. I’ve written about 1000 pages this year.

18. Sometimes I go see a psychic named Lily.

19. I don’t play any sports.

20. I wish I had a bike…but where would I ride it?

21. I have to move this month.

22. I don’t have any girlfriends, they all got married.

23. I am intimidated by women.

24. I get my best ideas driving.

25. I always flip through the celebrity magazines in the checkout line.

26. I lack stamina when exercising.

27. I have low blood pressure.

28. I get headaches often.

29. My breast size varies significantly throughout the month.

30. I sit down in the shower.

31. I hate admitting I went to a religious university.

32. I don’t know how to sympathize with people who have had someone near to them die.

33. I weigh 127 pounds and that’s the truth.

34. I am not a fancy person, I don’t wear much jewelry.

35. I have more sex dreams about women than I do men, but I am not gay.

36. I am in my first official adult relationship.

37. I never, ever go to dance clubs.

38. I have a “no running to the bus” rule.

39. I will be 25 when I receive my BFA.

40. I can have babies!

41. I always read things forwards and backwards.

42. I can really sing, but I just have nothing to sing right now.

43. I have a secret desire to be a performance artist.

44. I will shave my head before I die.

45. I am not afraid to be alone.

46. I have no idea what happens to us when we die.

47. I can’t ski or snowboard.

48. I am definitely not in shape.

49. I am an awesome gift giver.

50. I am emotionally strong and secure.

51. I can read music.

52. Being poor has taught me how to resist a good sale.

53. I am not a political person.

54. My family still doesn’t know I’ve rejected their religion.

55. I believe in God and angels and miracles.

56. I have fantasies of a holistic, organic family, and I’m afraid that’s not going to come true.

57. My ankles don’t work.

58. I want to blow something up, demolition style.

59. I like roses, I just don’t like receiving them all the time, I think they’re cliché and uncreative…but perfect for certain occasions. They’re pretty and they smell wonderful.

60. It takes a lot to make me cry, unless I’m watching a movie, or a commercial, or I read a cheesy card. Ok maybe it doesn’t take a lot to make me cry.

61. I am afraid of success.

62. I can’t read non-fiction. It bores me.

63. I’ve never taken a photo class, I’m afraid I might change my mind if I do.

64. I check my email obsessively. Its pathetic.

65. I need some black shoes.

66. I have an incredible memory. So does my brother.

67. I hate, I mean HATE, yellow foam.

68. I meditate.

69. I suck at driving a stick.

70. I swear. Shit damn fuck hell ass.

71. I didn’t start drinking alcohol until March of this year. I like rum, I don’t like tequila.

72. The ocean is my peaceful place.

73. Sometimes I wish I had long hair so it could blow in the wind.

74. I get cold sores. They humiliate me.

75. I have a four post (poster?) bed with Christmas lights strung from it year round.

76. I am not organized.

77. I have always had a problem with hanging up clothes. It’s a pet peeve of mine.

78. The fastest I’ve ever ran a mile was 9:50.

79. My schedule is arranged so I never have to set an alarm clock.

80. One time I peed all over a train's restroom floor on the way to Spain from Paris. Long story.

81. I’ve secretly nicknamed my next door neighbors Seigfried and Roy.

82. I get cabin fever easily.

83. I can fit into a large suitcase.

84. My mother is sitting on the fence of insanity.

85. I am a dog person.

86. To me there’s nothing like a warm juicy orange straight from the tree.

87. There is absolutely no curl in my hair.

88. When I was 14 my mom wanted to send me to a TOUGH LOVE camp for drug addicts, etc. I’d never done drugs or even held a guy’s hand. I ripped the brochures up.

89. I had a really shitty teenagerhood.

90. I give great massages.

91. I recently hugged my teenage arch nemesis. She smelled great.

92. I believe in soulmates.

93. I believe in magic.

94. I hate Walmart.

95. I like tea more for holding than for drinking.

96. I love living in Salt Lake City.

97. I hate the sound of my own voice.

98. I’ve got charm.

99. I am very passionate, but it goes in waves. Like the ocean.

100. I’ve grown so much in the past year. I went from confused and scared to confident and excited.

fly

2005-12-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

If you could have any super power in the world...what would it be?

My sister, she would fly.

the gradual progression of a beginner

2005-12-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

The first one in the top right was before I'd taken any art lessons at all (and was SURE there was absolutely no hope for me). The one to the left is after a six week course in Spain and the bottom one is after a semester in art school. Not quite finished with it yet but I'm pretty excited about the progression. Just thought I'd share...
Its snowing like crazy here...I'm going to neglect my responsibilities and make a snowman!

oh the weather outside is frightful

2005-12-03T12:21:00.000-07:00

feeling much better...just had to go play! Weee!

comfort

2005-11-29T12:16:00.000-07:00

dear reader,
do you ever feel like you're faking it sometimes? like you're just a copy of a copy of a copy? that you're completely invisible, that none of this is real or tangible. do you ever feel like your life is not yours anymore but instead just movie played over and over to make those around you happy? I've felt like this recently.
I go to school from 3-9 PM. I like my schedule but by around 8 o clock I do NOT want to draw anymore or even think about art. I'm hungry, grumpy, and burnt out. Last night I was so overwhelmed with school, I needed a break. I needed somewhere where I could just...bleh...break down, lay in the middle of the hallway, stop thinking. (side note: the art building has this really weird industrial architecture, its all cement, very dark and cold. I didn't like it at first but its really kind of growing on me. there's hidden art everywhere.) I couldn't find anywhere to melt down without someone being concerned so I just went downstairs and found a corner and read the University newspaper. I felt so choatic inside like I needed to just scream or run around in circles flailing my arms about. I couldn't find peace. I closed my eyes and asked my angels "Angels please give me...(and I couldnt think what I needed...what do I need?)...comfort. Please give me comfort." I took a deep breath and went back upstairs to finish my charcoal drawing of squash and a roller skate.
I didn't find comfort immediately (frankly, I still havent found it) but I did find something that made me smile. After school, M took me to Ming's Chinese Garden for a late dinner (the people there are all so cute and they give you free drinks and ice cream). The noodles were excellent and the vanilla ice cream did kind of make me feel good inside (i'm a vanilla girl). The fortune cookies came, I tossed them up in the air and chose the one that landed closest to me.

"You will be of good comfort."

Big smile. Well what do you know. My angels were listening.
We came home and started a fire. The snow was falling and I fell asleep to the sound of Silent Night on an acoustic guitar.
I hope everything is going well for you dear reader. The thought of people out there in the world- real, living people-who understand brings a lot of comfort in stressful times.

peace and love,
m

Lights On!

2005-11-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

and now we're covered in snow. i welcome it for now.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-25T11:56:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving came and went before I had time to let it really soak in.
I have ten other brothers and sisters. Four step brothers, four step sisters, a half sister and a brother. In my Utah family (my dad's side), there's eight kids, in my California family (mom) there's five. Its really hard to explain, just roll with me on this one. So I had thanksgiving here with my Utah family, there was 18 of us feasting (and yes, that is my immediate family...brothers and sisters and their spouses and children...and we were missing 5 people). Its insanity. Children bugging the adults, men playing aquire and watching football, women making dinner and dessert and putting up the Christmas tree. Babies wandering. People laughing.
After dinner we went for a long walk around the neighborhood pond (see above). It was one of the most beautiful days we've had this month. The sun was warm, the air was cold. I told the ducks its probably time to head south.
Then we soaked in the hot tub and watched our wet footprints freeze on the deck. Snuggled up and watched the Polar Express.
I'm so grateful for my crazy family.
Tonight is "Lights On" downtown, where they turn on all the Christmas lights in the city and on Temple Square. So we'll bundle up, and countdown to illumination. Perhaps we'll ice skate or drink some hot chocolate. My night finishes with the Trans Siberian Orchestra, and the Christmas season begins!
oh, and dont forget to buy nothing today. try singing. or painting. or taking a long walk. dancing perhaps.

hawaii sunset

2005-11-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

my favorite from the hawaii photos...

I am lucky.

2005-11-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

There I am in my natural environment. I recently returned from paradise back to reality. It was a harsh return, going from all you can eat gourmet breakfasts to "hmm...I guess I'll have canned corn." Hawaii really is a fantasy land for me but this time for some reason I felt very disconnected. Perhaps it was the 14 other family members, i don't know. It was so warm there, and now its cold. Too damn cold!! I'm really not a cold weather person. I don't even own a winter jacket or nice shoes. I try pulling off flip flops til about mid December or so.
m trying to think of some wonderful story about Hawaii I could write about. Basically, we flew, we were pampered, we were sunburned, we were at the beach, we swam, we drove the road to hana, we flew again. Oh, and we ATE. Now that I'm back to a meal a day, I'm convinced I need a supplemental job. Something I can do from home (because school takes up too much of my daytime). I've considered stock photography, but I'm not really a commercial photographer (and I'm really not that enthused about 20 cents a download...that seems a little LOW dont ya think?), babysitting, transcription work, art modeling, anything. I know artists need to be self promoting but I don't really feel I have much to promote. Or, rather, all the things I want to do are things that wouldn't bring in any money at all.
I'm tired of complaining.
Let me start over.
I just returned from an all expense paid trip to Maui. I'm broke, yes, but I've got a wonderful family. I got to feel the sun on my back again. I hiked barefoot in the mud and rain to see a beautiful waterfall. I ran as fast as I could across a golf course to see a breathtaking sunset over the ocean. I explored black sand beaches and ocean caves with my sister. I ate pineapple. I swam in the ocean and dove through the waves. I drank pina coladas. I wore a skirt. I spent time with my brother and sister that live far away. I meditated to the sound of the ocean. I laughed a LOT. I am lucky.

Happy Halloween!

2005-11-01T14:37:00.000-07:00

School has got me too overwhelmed for words right now. Had a wonderful Halloween...how about you?

thank you amanda

2005-10-22T20:57:00.000-06:00

Things I love taking pictures of:

Old stuff: cars, buildings, bikes, signs, anything rusted, anything with a history
Humans interacting: holding hands, awkward moments, emotion
Myself
The sky
Water: Lakes, rivers, oceans, tears, rain, reflections

I recently saw a photo installation that moved me to tears. A grad student at my school was showing us her work, and at first I wasn't impressed. I could do that, I thought. It was just photos of old signs. But the way she talked about her work, the way she presented it, made me really reflect on why I'm a photographer. Why I'm doing this. I think recently I've been keeping one eye (or two) on my audience. Its hard not to in a competitive field. But she (her name is Amanda Moore) just really had a PASSION for these signs, every one of them. It was wonderful. I need to re-center, re-evaluate. Remind myself of my passions. Bake something. Twirl around in circles. Draw with crayons. Jump in some leaves. Monday I go to see Sebastiao Salgado's work downtown (if you're in Utah I strongly encourage going to see his work, absolutely breathtaking). Damn I love art.

some vacation photos...

2005-10-14T15:57:00.000-06:00

its beautiful, isnt it?

2005-10-13T09:32:00.000-06:00

This is what the sunset looks like over nothingness.

(been quite busy over here, glacier photos soon)

I'm home!

2005-10-10T19:06:00.000-06:00

Some funny signs I saw on my road trip through Montana this weekend:

JD's animal sanctuary, Welcome Hunters
Welcome to Thirsty Horse, the best dam town in the west
Come on in, Hippies use side door (at restaurant)
WELCOME ALIENS (painted brightly on roof of house)
Neuter your pets. And weird friends and relatives.
FREE IDAHO.
Testicle Festival (painting of donkey) Have a ball!

Unfortunately I didn't get ONE photo of these signs. They were mostly in passing on the side of the freeway so no time to stop. I did get some breathtaking photos of Glacier, stay tuned.

high on art

2005-10-08T10:27:00.000-06:00

No time, as I am on the road.
I am high on art right now, in Missoula, Montana. Last night we caught the tail end of a wonderful gallery stroll through downtown. I was in a turtleneck and fuzzy hat, everyone was bundled up and smiling (there was a large snowstorm a couple days ago and it smelled like wintertime) and we held hands. I was surprised at all the wonderful art I saw, even a couple Renoirs and an Andy Warhol. My favorite gallery, however, was this one. A calendar featuring topless women (some even in their 70s!) who have survived breast cancer. All the women were there signing their photos. Beautiful.
I'm off to Glacier National Park now, to hopefully find a good photo or two.

Feelings

2005-10-04T22:14:00.000-06:00

I've been having a lot of negative emotion in my life recently and I needed this little exercise to help me get to the bottom of my feelings. I apologize for sending some of my negativity out into the world wide web but I feel its better to send honest negative feelings than fake positive ones. Not that there hasnt been any joy in my life, why last night I played drunken twister and had a gay ol time, but there's this underlying unhappiness that I'm trying to understand. Here goes. Some feelings:

I am depressed because I weigh 10 pounds more than I usually do and I don't know why..
I am happy that I'm not going to go into debt this month.
I am angry that I don't have any money.
I am freezing (does that count as a feeling?) My furnace broke and it is 35 degrees outside.
I am stressed out because I agreed to go on a road trip when all I really wanted was some alone time.
I am frustrated because I am not progressing like I thought I would in art school (cross hatching is HARD!)
I am worried I'm not going to get a good grade on my 3-D sheet metal project (so I try to convince myself I don't care about grades).
I am pissed that my lip is swelling up again.
I am anxious about my doctor's appointment tomorrow. We'll discuss the MRI results.
I am so proud of myself for figuring out the word scramble billboards up around town. A Jeer Leg Mr. Snow
I am longing to see the ocean again.
I am curious about some strange dreams I've had lately (a reacurring number?).
I am in love with the new Sigur Ros CD.
I am anticipating my trip to Hawaii next month (and also determined to look good in my bikini).

Things I'm grateful for:

A new cabin for the whole family to share
Hot chocolate from Spain
Food in my fridge (its been cereal and pb & j lately)
People who actually read this blog (thank you)
A man who leaves watercolored poems on my door
Fall leaves
My four wheel drive car that gets awesome gas mileage
An art teacher who challenges me to not give up
Time to finish a book and meditate and dance in the dark
Mexican jumping beans (my dad gave me some today)
An old CD that reminds me why I need to be an artist (sings straight to my soul)

"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich."
-Tao Te Ching

snapshots of a wednesday

2005-09-22T13:38:00.000-06:00

just random images from a typical wednesday...

snapshots

2005-09-18T13:48:00.000-06:00

Snapshots of my Saturday:

my cold got to the "cough your brains out every three minutes" stage, tried to clean, couldnt do it, tried to meditate, wasn't happening, gave up and watched the news.
agreed to meet the family up in a little mountain town to look at a cabin, they forgot to tell me they were running a little late, spent an hour and a half happily roaming small town utah.
got my oil changed by an all female staff, where a complete stranger gave up her turn in line because I was there first. also talked to a cute old cowboy about my cold and the winters in midway.
ate at a little authentic mexican place (see above photo) had a glorious veggie burrito and spicy spicy salsa.
went for a nature walk with my niece who found a stray cat (she called it a "titty tat" which shouldnt be funny after about 13 years old but we all smirked every time). the trees, by the way, were gorgeous. i didnt know they'd already started changing up in the mountains.
shopping at the outlets in park city, bought 4 beanies for 6 dollars
caught the tail end of "light the night" walk at sugarhouse park for leukemia and took some photos of the full moon over the mountain, trees, and lake
snuggled up in my robe with some sleepy time tea and watched "a lot like love" (got to get the chick flicks in while M is out of town)
finally my coughing calmed down and i was able to meditate and get a good night's sleep (its back in action today however, its so violent i can barely type!)

bleeding heart

2005-09-15T14:34:00.000-06:00

I havent been writing lately because I've been content and I have a hard time writing when I'm content. But I had these last two days to myself (sick in bed) and now I'm wondering, was I just too busy to realize I'm actually NOT content at all? That could be the vitamin C talking, because I've been having a LOT of fun recently. And I haven't been suicidally lonely, which is good too. But why do I feel so confused? Why, in times like this, do I feel like I should run to No. Cal as fast as I can?
Art school has been going great. I've made some fun sculptures already (this next one is with sheet metal) and my drawing has improved considerably. Plus I've gotten in the zone, the art zone. I love the art zone. So many unique personalities and wonderful ideas. The drive to constantly create. I'm growing by the minute.
I got my 50mm lens in the mail today (www.keh.com has some kick ass deals on high quality products) and I am SO excited to start taking more portraits and low lit photos and all the other cool things you can do with a 50mm. The above photo was one of the first to be taken with the new lens. Stay tuned for more. Sorry for the lack of updates...my flickr site is updated more often: mariayd

Homework? Hiking? Homework? HIKING.

2005-08-28T14:24:00.001-06:00

I've been having a lot of fun lately.
Last week I started art school, went to a fancy smancy charity benefit, saw the SLammies (Salt Lake grammies, local bands), found out I need surgery sometime in the near future (not so fun), went hiking in Big Cottonwood (see photo), rode a motorcycle downtown at night and threw pennies in a pond, ate sushi on a balcony with a view of the sunset, built a bonfire and took pictures of the full moon, saw Hustle and Flow at a cinema pub, ate dinner at a cowboy restaurant and rode a toy horse (the kind you put a quarter in), oh, and worked about...8 hours. :-)
Life has certainly been an adventure this summer.
I'd love to write more but I need to go spend that money I made those 8 hours on art supplies!
Oh, the poverty begins...and I couldn't be happier.

Ditty of first desire

2005-08-24T00:13:00.000-06:00

In the green morning
I wanted to be a heart.
a heart.

And in the ripe evening
I wanted to be a nightingale.
A nightingale.

(Soul,
turn oranged colored.
Soul, turn the color of love.)

In the vivid morning
I wanted to be myself.
A heart.

And at the evenings end
I wanted to be my voice
A nightingale.

Soul,
turn orange colored.
Soul,
turn the color of love.

-Garcia Lorca

You know, I'm almost annoyed when the blogs I frequent just put up a quote or a poem instead of spilling their heart on every entry...and then I go and do the same thing. Sometimes I just need to be quiet and let someone else do the talking.
Thanks Federico.

answering the call

2005-08-17T12:53:00.000-06:00

She called my name, I answered, and she did not disappoint. I brought the kayak and she gave me calm water, jellyfish, porpoises, and curious seals. Sea stars and a breathtaking sunset. As I watched my little brother's silhouette drift into the setting sun I realized THIS, this is why I'm alive. Moments like this. I gently placed my sea star companion back into his home and told him I'd try really hard to take care of the ocean for him, and thanked him for his company. The earth radiated with love, and so did I. I need to be closer to the ocean, I've decided. Have you seen The Life Aquatic? A favorite of mine.
Now I'm home again and the anxiety is starting to set in. School starts next week, SCHOOL. Homework, schedules, studying, teachers telling me to draw a paper bag or shade an egg using all the grades of gray. School. So I ask myself why, WHY am I doing this? Or, even better, what the hell am I doing anyway? I recently came across a quote that said something like our life's path is usually something that is impossible for us to do. Yes, I feel this is utterly impossible. Me, an artist? I want to give up, and I am so scared. Does the fear ever go away? And what am I really so scared of? Its not that scary, Maria. Be strong, don't give up.
Wish me luck guys, I need it.

vision

2005-08-05T16:38:00.000-06:00

"It is a terrible thing to see and have no vision."
-Helen Keller

I'm taking some time now to enjoy the earth while summer is still here. More about my adventures later...

and you arrive and you are lightning.

2005-08-03T15:37:00.000-06:00

for B, and the magic moments we share.

here

2005-08-01T14:10:00.000-06:00

I wanted to find some great quote to put at the bottom of this photo and just leave it at that, but I can't find anything that really works. I went for a drive Saturday looking for peace. I found it here.

being an artist and the daily bitch n moan

2005-07-29T11:17:00.000-06:00

This past week I began a process that I call my "daily bitch n moan." Every day, while eating breakfast, I get out the little yellow note pad (I stole from work) and freewrite for three pages. The first person who recommended this to me was a psychic gypsy named Lilly who I am convinced REALLY IS psychic. But that's another story. Then I read a book that recommended the exercise, then I talked to another friend who brought it up. FINE! I'll do the damn free writing! And I love it. I've never felt comfortable with my writing skills (they suck). But I'm an awesome story teller in person. When I was in college my roommate and best friend H and I would go on a lot of crazy adventures. When we came home she ALWAYS had me tell the story to the rest of the girls. Big smile on her face the whole time. And when I went to Spain, my friends there had me keep the "memoirs" of our journey. It was my attention to detail they said. That combined with their laziness. :) I still havent given them a copy of those damn memoirs. Sorry ladies. Anyway, the free writing. The bitch n moan. Usually i end up just saying how much I dont want to go to work and how i wish I was swimming in the ocean or something but every once in a while something crazy will creep in and I just love that. I'd recommend this daily free write thing to anyone, its amazing.
I've found that as an artist we go through the "bereavement" process as we try to find ourselves. You know, denial anger bargaining depression acceptance. Right now I'm in the ANGER stage. I hate everything I produce, Its never good enough, I'm just MAD about it all! Its ok I know in the back of my mind I'm just sloshing through some old shit and I'll be out before I know it. Its just hard to keep going sometimes, you know? The photoblog revolution has really really helped me grow as an artist (when I was in high school I quit every art class i started because I just didnt know how to CREATE, i was blocked, and the photoblog community helped me understand what I think is art). BUT the photoblog community also creates situations where I tend to compare myself. And that's hard. That's why I stopped doing all the "memes." I was just comparing myself to everyone and why I was better or worse than they are. THAT is not what being an artist is all about. For me, its about conquering myself. Being brave. And I know its going to be really freaking hard sometimes and I know I'm going to want to quit all the time but I can't. I've declared myself an artist and there's no going back. Well there is, but I know I wouldn't be happy. So here I am. Writing in this silly blog again. Wondering, what is being an artist to you?

happiness?

2005-07-28T23:43:00.000-06:00

The Scientologists at the Native American celebration asked me if I could recall a time when life was happy and do you know what image popped into my head? Our walks through the gully with your dogs. Can you feel it? Yes, hot hot summer sun. Can you smell it? I can smell it all, your cologne, the sage brush and the crispy air. That dry air always reminds me of you. Was that happinesss?

HELP

2005-07-24T22:09:00.000-06:00

saving the world one plastic bag at a time

2005-07-21T21:28:00.000-06:00

Library books due, water jug empty, time for errands. After work I run home to grab the books I didn't read and the 3 gallon jug for my perfectly distilled wonderful water. Didn't have any cash so I scrimaged around for a dollar fifty and ended up giving it to the whiney-ass college student who took 15 minutes to ask me for change. In between every sentence he would compliment me "so i'm a student down at UCSB, i love your hair, and I'm up here checking out the U, you have a beautiful smile." I dont know if his stranded and homeless story was true or not but it seemed a little fishy. The guy who sells me water was kind enough to let me go without paying as long as I pay double next time (thanks, D). I always stall buying my water because that jug is really heavy and I can never find any parking near the damn herb store. And for some strange reason THIS is the time I get hit on most. When struggling with a three gallon jug. Today it was "excuse me miss? but may I be as bold as to say you have a very nice figure?" So many insults and rude remarks run through my mind but I say "thank you" curtly and keep moving. The guy had a bad vibe. Next time ask the girl with the nice figure (actually, its just nice jeans) if she NEEDS HELP WITH THE FIFTY POUND JUG.
Our little local library didnt have the books I was hoping to read this week so I hop over to Barnes and Noble (where I run into OCD compliment boy twice) and buy a couple books. Dusk. There was a band playing in the little quad between the shopping areas and I stopped and sat on the grass for a while. They had spirit but the singer had no control over his voice. Hard to listen to. Decide to stop by the park to read while there's still light in the sky.
I think dusk is my favorite time of day, magical almost. The park I frequent now is the park I used to come to as a little girl and roll down the big hills and feed the ducks. I like being somewhere that little maria was. I sat down to read and noticed an old man in a camping chair feeding all the birds. We've got all different sorts of ducks and geese, seagulls seagulls seagulls, and then occasionally some beautiful visitors from who knows where. The old man had a hat on and a teeny tiny little poodle in his lap. I wanted to take a picture of him but I was too shy. Back to reading. Can't concentrate. I noticed all the garbage in the lake. Just disgusting, heartbreaking really. I remember little maria and my plans to save the world, writing letters to evil corporate overlords to stop ruining the rainforrest and planning on composing a letter to the President of the United States about the pollution problem in Utah. Why am I just sitting here? I rolled up my pants and started fishing out the garbage.
Old man: "Boy that sure is nice of you." I smile genuinely and keep moving along the banks. This is a man-made lake so the bottom is moss-covered cement and very slippery. I gathered as much trash as I could and started back to my car. Old man again: "Boy that sure is nice of you, I've never seen a young person do something like that." I walk over to him and ask if I can pet his dog. Cupid was his name. This sparked a long conversation about dogs and birds and whatever. His name was Don. I introduced myself. "Marianne?" "No, Maria" "Marie?" "Maria" Oh my, you certainly don't look like a Maria. (top #1 thing people say when I introduce myself, followed closely by mariiiiiiia, I just met a girl named mariiiiia) He asked how old I was. "Well, damn, I would have guessed you werent a day over 18." I've learned to say thanks. It was about this point I noticed the rainbow. I pointed it out to him and said I need to go grab my camera before the rainbow goes away, and it was certainly nice meeting you Don and squeeze his shoulder.
After taking a few uninspiring photos of the fading rainbow, i noticed one more plastic bag the wind had blown just within my reach. One more bag and then its time to go home Maria. I walk over with camera in hand, roll up my pants, smile and wave to Don again and reach for the bag...just a little further...oh...shit...the slippery cement got me and I slid down down down...oh no i'm going to be swimming soon! Camera, shit my camera! Old man Don is watching "oh I told you it was slippery, oh dear, be sure to wash yourself when you get home that lake is full of bacteria!" The moss slide finally stopped and my feet hit mushiness. The aforementioned nice jeans are completely soaked and i'm waist deep in lake garbage sludge and can't get out. Half because the moss is just too slippery, half because i'm laughing too hard at what has to be one of the more embarrassing moments of my life. An incredibly handsome (very married) man came to my rescue eventually and I'm happy to report the camera, and the jeans, are going to be just fine. As for me, don't worry, I'm still planning on saving the world one plastic bag at a time.

pure peace

2005-07-16T21:32:00.000-06:00

i am a vivid dreamer. comedies, mysteries, thrillers, its just plain entertainment really. every morning i'll have some crazy story to tell (for example a few nights ago i dreamt they were making me put pieces of deli meat in all of our clients files...). But i've got this one constant that I havent quite figured out yet. water. Always water. rivers lakes streams pools oceans waterslides, WHATEVER. there's always water (in the deli meat dream i had to cross a dark and dangerous bridge to get to work). now if any of you out there are dream experts, i'd appreciate any input about this. i'm not afraid of water, in fact, quite the opposite. i can pinpoint some of the most peaceful, happy moments of my life to times i was in, on or around water. like, the above photo. taken around february this year on my cruise to mexico. it was dinner time and so i was all alone watching the sunset. pure peace. i'm at one of those points of life where i'm trying to figure out where the hell i'm going and why the hell i'm just so freaking antsy with life. perhaps my dreams are trying to tell me something. i feel a trip to the ocean soon. she's calling my name.

Check it out:

2005-07-14T13:45:00.000-06:00

The best horoscopes in the world

searching for truth

2005-07-13T23:12:00.000-06:00

ahoy, originally uploaded by mariayd.

An open letter to Ty:

Dear Tyler,
Remember when I asked you what motivated you? You said "truth." You didn't hesitate or think one second. Just blurted it right out. I realize we were both semi drunk at the time but that answer just stuck with me Ty. And tonight, my head is spinning. I've got to be coming down with some ridiculous virus but I cant seem to get this "truth" business out of my head. The day after you left I painted you a picture, I wanted to give it to you but you never showed up that night. The next day I bought a new spiral bound journal with Klimt on the cover. This journal just screams to be written in. In the cover I wrote TRUTH and have been writing for the first time without worrying what my mom would think if she read it or how the invisible readers (hi!) would judge me.
I made a pact with myself that from now on I will be as honest as I can be. If that means telling the guy at quizno's not to call me sunshine because it makes me uncomfortable, so be it. If that means swearing publicly, or telling my family I don't believe in God like they do, fine. But being honest isnt only about the negative things. Im trying to say thank you more, and never suppress a compliment. Hug more. I can allow myself to express myself as dramatically as I want and not feel ashamed or stupid, because its honest. Its truth. And I dont need to be ashamed of honest truth.
Ty, I could go on and on about vulnerability and art and who we all are inside, but my head is pounding and the computer screen is burning holes in my retinas. I guess I just wanted to say thanks. And that I miss you.

sending kisses in the wind (its blowing east),
maria

Oh, and PS, I listened to it again and I really do like x&y. really.

haiku

2005-07-10T23:47:00.000-06:00

haiku, originally uploaded by mariayd.

if the world was a big trampoline:

2005-07-08T11:15:00.000-06:00

-we could walk around in stocking feet or barefoot (none of those silly heels, wouldnt want to punch a hole in the earth!)
-we'd all end up accidentally cuddling at night due to weight distribution
-our appliances could run on static electricity
-falling from great heights would no longer be fatal (no matter how hard we fall, we'd always bounce back)
-we could solve world problems by having bum wars

the baby

2005-07-06T14:38:00.000-06:00

the baby with the hat on the patriotic blanket (my little niece)

lead an extraordinary life

2005-07-06T13:18:00.000-06:00

"When one man, for whatever reason, has the opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself."
-Jacques Cousteau

snapshots

2005-07-04T23:22:00.000-06:00

snapshots of my forth of july:

front row seat to the neighborhood parade complete with kazoo band and red rider wagons
my plate: corn on the cob, homemade baked beans, veggie burger, fruit salad and a big glass of lemonade
a baby with a red hat in the grass on a patriotic blanket
a turtle in a bucket with the cutest little smiley face
my pants rolled up wading through the lake catching "minnows" with my niece and nephew
a little girl with downs syndrome doing a choreographed dance to R-E-S-P-E-C-T in a sparkly pink outfit
neighborhood sack races and three legged races too
a dozen children twirling with sparklers, their beautiful shadows on a white picket fence
brothers in statue of liberty stance shooting off the biggest bottle rockets i've ever seen
couples cuddling in the grass as fireworks lit up their faces and time slowed to a stop

celebrate

2005-07-02T21:46:00.000-06:00

sky, originally uploaded by mariayd.

You watch the sunset again. You are waiting for the fireworks to begin. Fireworks are important to you, all holidays are. You're always down for a good celebration. Instead of exercising today you took a nap. Now you feel fat. Why do you feel fat? You are not fat. Even if you were it wouldnt matter. You spent a couple days with your younger siblings this week. You still want to rescue them. You want to shelter them, you want to provide a normal teenagerhood somehow. But you don't think its possible. And that makes you sad. "The parents" are absolutely irrational and you want to speak your mind but you know they wouldn't listen. Who does? You'd love to have a conversation with someone who is really listening. Perhaps you should master the art of listening yourself. A difficult art to master. You wish you had more people to go play with. If you did, perhaps today you would have gone swimming like you wanted to. You watched Rushmore and made magazine transfers instead. You like the way the collages look in your new journal with the Klimt cover. Klimt is a favorite of yours. And Rothko. And that whole art museum in Cuenca. You've been craving an Ego waffle for the past three hours but have been resisting to punish yourself for not exercising. Why do you keep dreaming you are neglecting animals? Forgetting about them for days and then finding them barely alive. You have dreamt this probably 10 times in the past few weeks. Why? Today you rescued a little bird in the complex. He kept flying at FULL SPEED into the windows trying to find a way out. Stop, for the love of God, little bird, please stop. You thought perhaps this is Virgil finding his way back to you again. You caught the little bird and gently brought him outside. B would be proud, you think. B with his magic hands and gentle way with animals. And the fireworks begin. Zoom lens, tripod, and what the hell, throw in that Ego waffle. Its time to celebrate.

I am enough

2005-06-29T01:22:00.000-06:00

skyline, originally uploaded by mariayd.

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." -Albert Einstein

and i think to myself

2005-06-28T12:05:00.000-06:00

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

tick tock

2005-06-27T01:04:00.000-06:00

good HELL what a week. i want to be there...up there in that photo. with monet and degas and the big beautiful clock. with my friends, girls i'll always love but havent spoken to in a year. damn i miss you guys.

what motivates you?

2005-06-25T11:31:00.000-06:00

for tyler

caving in

2005-06-23T00:09:00.000-06:00

caving in, originally uploaded by mariayd.

this is how i felt today

summer solstice

2005-06-22T00:10:00.000-06:00

today was the longest day of the year. i watched the sun set with a dear friend, a dog, and a lonely old man.

nobody knows it

2005-06-20T00:18:00.000-06:00

nobody knows it, but you've got a secret smile, and you use it only for me.

bo

2005-06-19T00:24:00.000-06:00

i saw a dog yesterday named bo. i habitually visit all the animal shelters in salt lake county. i hadnt ever seen bo before. he was a pretty chocolate lab all by himself in a crate. i asked, is he for adoption? he's so sweet. she said "he's blind." what? "HES BLIND." oh, blind. I go back to bo. he didnt look blind. hi bo i say. "we think he's going deaf too. he got hit in the head with a shovel." i stick my hand in the crate. he licks. and licks. i cry. and cry. i have a hard time with homeless animals. i dont know what it would be like to not be wanted. i was adopted too, what if nobody wanted me? i'd be so lost if i couldnt see or hear. so alone.

i really have nothing to write. i think i'd rather just be quiet. sigur ros and i together, floating on an icelandic cloud...

delighted

2005-06-13T23:15:00.000-06:00

"The old man adjusted the pad and pencil on his lap with the greatest care, then sat for a moment, pencil poised, in obvious concentration, his grin diminished only a very trifle. Then the pencil began, very unsteadily, to move. An "i" was dotted. And then both pad and pencil were returned personally to me, with a marvellously cordial extra added wag of the head. He had written, in letters that had not quite jelled yet, the single word "Delighted." The Matron of Honor, reading over my shoulder, gave a sound faintly like a snort, but I quickly looked over at the great writer and tried to show by my expression that all of us in the car knew a poem when we saw one, and were grateful."

-Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters
JD Salinger

2005-06-10T22:28:00.000-06:00

dripdrop, originally uploaded by mariayd.

apparently the question "if you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be" has incredible insights on who a person is. Close your eyes and imagine that perfect place. Peace. Where is it? For me, I'd be camping at the beach. With my dog. And my man (neither of which exsist...entirely). We would be singing Bob Marley songs and roasting veggie dogs by the fire.
But instead I be searchin' through my archives trying to find some postable photo for my silly little blog. This one was taken in a fit of boredom back in January. I'd take a fresh new photo for you guys but my flash card and my old G5 are on their way to Scottland. Those lucky bastards.
Do you ever feel like your missing something, but then realize you have no IDEA what it is? Sometimes it feels like my life's theme song is "I still havent found what I'm looking for." I just cant shake this "unsatisfied" feeling.
I recently had to drive a client to and from the airport. He was in his 50's and thinking about retirement. He told me his life story, raised three girls on his own, been flying airplanes since he was 16, got a masters degree in biology...etc etc. And then he went on to tell me all the things he's currently doing. Like, going to the Cordon Bleu CHEF SCHOOL. In his mid 50s. I thought this was just plain awesome. It gave me hope for my uneducated ass. (sidenote- I reapplied for college and if all goes according to plan, will be going back in the fall but please dont tell anyone or make a big deal about it because i'm really not excited...ok maybe a little).
Alright I'm going to get off my butt and do something CRAZY. Come on, join me, it'll be fun.

-scott

2005-06-04T22:23:00.000-06:00

-scott, originally uploaded by mariayd.

I love how he put "-Scott" at the bottom of this...just in case.
Taken at the US vs Costa Rica soccer game...yay USA!

the b-rad

2005-06-03T12:18:00.000-06:00

the b-rad, originally uploaded by mariayd.

I was very excited to get my first holga roll developed. Crap, all of it. Note to self, use higher film speeds in the damn holga.
This is the only one that turned out.

on my evening walk

2005-06-01T21:20:00.000-06:00

on my evening walk, originally uploaded by mariayd.

So I sit. Chin in hands like a little girl. Bored. So bored I think I should try to sleep because unconsciousness has got to be better than this. No, NO i will NOT sleep, i will NOT watch TV. Book, "the heart is a lonely hunter" is good, but i need to pace myself. Thats it! An evening walk. Dusk. Walk and walk and walk. Smell of lilacs (actually I have no idea what they are but whenever i smell flowers i think... lilacs). Windows open, families eating. Watching TV. Broken porch chairs, dead bonzai trees. Dogs and cats. I am a voyeur with a polaroid camera. Fresh air. Fresh but still lonely. I guess I like it that way.

rainy memorial day

2005-05-30T16:20:00.000-06:00

sometimes life is blurry

2005-05-28T21:45:00.000-06:00

I wish I could write so poetically vague. So when people read they think, wow, never realizing I was writing about nothing at all, thinking I was writing about something they just didn't understand. I can't do that. I can't be her.
I don't want to be second place due to convenience.
I want to be first place dammit.
Daddy always said that you choose your feelings. Why do I feel like this?
I think this calls for a chick flick and some Haagan Daas. Yes, perhaps even some paint.
You rock, rock.

Words from my mother's mouth:

2005-05-27T17:38:00.000-06:00

GRUNIONS, as in:
"I mean, she just has grunions of knick knacks in her house"
LOLLIGAGGIN, as in:
"well, its not like we were just lolligaggin around"
STARVATED, as in:
"Oh, I better bring a granola bar in case i get starvated."
GRAJITS, as in:
"Look at all those cute little grajits in their caps and gowns."

Also, in case you were wondering, TURKEY feather dusters are more effective than normal ones.

In Loving Memory...

2005-05-26T02:50:00.000-06:00

I'm having a sad day...my beloved acura is no more. I love that car. We were coming up on our 5 year anniversary together. I really dont know what I'll do without her, driving any other car just seems wrong. So many memories. That car was just...ME.

Depressed about my car, I decided i need some good chocolate cake. Call up B, he's in the mood for clam chowder. We go to a restaraunt with this in mind and end up having fish n chips, flounder stuffed with crab, clam chowder, salads, mixed drinks, and some chocolate cake. All of which I can not afford. Top that with a 25 dollar parking ticket. Then my mother comes into town at 1am and we chat about my little brother and his sticky fingers (keeps stealing stuff) and she asks for advice. When I give it to her she ends up bawling in the bathroom, LOUDLY. Which may sound sad to those of you reading but trust me, she does this all the time. I was even gentle. Dont ask for advice mom if you cant take it. I'm really concerned about her mental health but she was raised in a subculture which only supports conformism and NOT THINKING FOR YOURSELF so she's never really going to get it. And thats sad. (now we can understand why maria moved away when she was 16)
So that's where I'm at now. Without my car, my one true love (it "blew a rod"), down 60 dollars for dinner plus 25 bucks for the ticket, and a crying mother in the living room. Its gonna be a fun weekend. Wish me luck.

lake powell by twilight

2005-05-24T18:22:00.000-06:00

i have been going to lake powell since i was a very little girl...i wish i had the photos of me as a two year old girl with big sunglasses and a life jacket just loving life. i'll have to look for those. we made a quick trip down to powell this weekend, it was hot, dry, and perfect. i got up on a wakeboard for the first time in my life and I CRASHED on a wakeboard for the first time in my life, i'm still feeling the whiplash. more powell photos to come, ive got some slides and some holga photos developing.

some art

2005-05-19T22:51:00.000-06:00

When life gives you shit, eat ice cream.
It may not fix any problems...but it sure does taste good.

something real

2005-05-16T19:38:00.000-06:00

photobooth, originally uploaded by mariayd.

I will never be a beautiful Asian woman.
I will never have long sexy legs or dainty little feet.
I will never have blue eyes or perfect skin.
I am at this point where i'm trying to decide if anything in my life has been real. have I been faking my whole life to please other people? no, i dont think so. but sometimes it seems that way. i am beginning to be more and more disgusted with certain relatives and their blind intolerance to things. close minded, judgemental, their happiness seems superficial to me. it all seems like a show. they want bigger houses with marble statues and staircases that wrap around a giant chandelier. they want boats and cabins and all their expensive toys. they have a posterboard with photos of all the things they are going to someday accumulate to help motivate themselves. they read books on how to be millionaires and how to succeed in life. they conform to whatever they're told to. they brag about how "good" they are. does this seem like a recipe for unhappiness to anyone else?
I want none of this.
All I want is something real.
Thats it.
It doesn't have to be permanent, or perfect. Just real, genuine, raw.
So, I've realized:
No, I'll never be a famous vocalist...but I'm still going to sing.
I'll never have those fabulous feet...but I'm still going to dance.
I'll never be that perfect woman...but I'm still going to look in the mirror and smile.

We are all ok.

matador

2005-05-14T23:54:00.000-06:00

"are you SURE you're going to be able to handle this maria?" they asked on the commuter train. "oh, ya, hell ya, guys. this is a CULTURAL event, i understand that. i'm not going to miss it just because i'm a sucker for animals. i'm cool." "ok, so you do know what HAPPENS in a bullfight, right?" "yup" (lie)
First bull comes out, I think aww, he looks like a cute little dog doing his tricks. Then the guys on horses come out and stab him, then the guys with the hook things come out and jab him, then the matador comes out and tires him til he runs no more, switches his sword, and KILLS him. If the bull doesn't die, a guy comes and stabs him in the brain. Then the horses come to drag his dead body out of the arena. maria's chin starts to quiver, eyes well up, perhaps if I look away no one will notice. Moranda notices. "oh, maria!" and the bawling commenced. 8 more bulls died that night.

Day in the life of me, backwards:

2005-05-13T22:30:00.000-06:00

You are sitting typing on the black chair your sister gave you when she moved. It is broken but you don't care. You think you should sit in this chair more often. You are listening to Ryan Adam's new CD. You think its funny that BRYAN Adams also has a new CD. You talk to Brad for about a half hour on the phone about nothing in particular, you tell him you aren't going to lake powell though you DESPERATELY want to. Lake Powell is your favorite place in the world. You watch the sunset from this chair feeling lonely but too proud to admit it. You spend about an hour online looking at all the dogs you could adopt. You want that husky but you are afraid of commitment so the dog thing is a little scary. You have broccoli for dinner. Just broccoli. With a little cheese. You drink a lot of apple juice. You are a lover of apple juice. An apple juice connoiseur if you will. You come home from the bank and get straight into your pajamas. You like your new work out pants but you're a little annoyed because they dont stay on your bum when you run. Kind of silly. You get paid at work. You spend an hour on the clock getting some good photos of your brother put together for his high school graduation slide show. He doesn't like them, you don't care. You have a long day at work but you are surprisingly spunky. Singing and dancing while you file. You are very excited to finally wear your cute new black skirt to work. There isn't anyone at work to be cute for, but the new black skirt just makes you feel...cute! You don't like the pink shirt you decided to wear with it. You wake up (again) shower and tell yourself that you should wake up earlier and do yoga and go for a walk and go visit the husky at the pound. Next week, yes next week is the week you will start waking up before ten or eleven. You drive home from Brad's house. You're sleeping soundly at 6am when your phone rings. You know its Brad because his number rings differently so you answer it. He left his keys in your car (this, is karma at its finest). You dream.

2005-05-09T22:43:00.000-06:00

This shot was taken about a year ago at the hotel I stayed at in Barcelona. I havent got anything new to post as I have officially given up on my D100 and am only shooting film. It has been raining here (so much!) and I've gotten some gorgeous shots of some various light rays through the clouds so it will be fun to see those develop. As for life in general, work is getting better, slower. I can see the beginnings of big change in my life and I feel uneasy, uncomfortable.
On another note I just finished the movie "osama" and it made me thank God i live in America. I am not much of a patriotic person but I am a pretty independent little woman. I cant begin to comprehend what my life would be like if I wasn't allowed to be independent me. Since its been a while since I've thanked God for anything, I'd like to also thank him for a birth mother. I wanted to send my birth mother a note this mothers day to say thank you for giving me life but I got too scared. She does not know who I am or how I feel.

Thank you, Theresa, for giving me life.

-m

i'm lost

2005-04-30T23:58:00.000-06:00

powerlines, originally uploaded by mariayd.

Nothing went right today. I am finally winding down from a stressful day, my old friend Damien Rice reminding me why I love him so. I went out to Antelope Island today, I'd never been there...I wish I HAD PICTURES to show all you wonderful people but my D100 is a bitch and I've gotta sell it. Or it will lead to my utter destruction and total insanity. I got lost going to the island, driving around in circles...I usually don't mind being lost. I'm lost. Ugh its just been a long day I guess. I just got out of a three hour opera and my mind is just a little tired. So i'll bid thee all farewell...
~m

2005-04-30T11:10:00.000-06:00

shower, originally uploaded by mariayd.

I got my Holga in the mail a few days ago so I've been busy playing. It is still raining, I love morning rain. My porch and a cup of tea are calling my name. Perhaps I'll post some more rain shots later on...

view from my balcony

2005-04-27T00:20:00.000-06:00

view from my balcony, originally uploaded by mariayd.

after hundreds of attempts, i finally got a good shot of the view from my balcony! i've been having a lot of fun uploading my photos/artwork to flickr, go check it out! (just click on the photo)